Last week, I wrote about our
night time struggles. I'm not sure what it was, but I must have hit some kind of wall and I was just plain ready to be DONE with getting up at night. I think we all have those moments in parenting when we feel like we just can't take anymore and we're desperate for a solution to whatever the current issue is. Of course, it doesn't help to hear about other babies who sleep all night and have done so since they came home from the hospital (I'm happy for you, really, I am!!). Like anything else, as soon as I start comparing notes with others, it seems like everyone else has an easier go of it than me, self-pity sets in - or worse - anxiety and fear that I'm failing miserably as a mother or that maybe there's actually something WRONG with my baby, and I go off on a reading frenzy to try and find whatever miracle cure will "fix" the "problem".
So, naturally, off to the internet I went. When Google failed to give
me the answers I wanted, I hit up the library in search of the solution. I found a few books and started flipping through them. The first
book got tossed within minutes - the author promises that his "Three Day
Sleep Plan" would guarantee me an "80% chance of seeing improvement" -
all I had to do was simply plunk my baby in her crib at bedtime, walk
away, and not look back until morning - sounds easy, right? First of all, the initial falling asleep isn't really our problem. She generally goes down very well. Also, you haven't
met my baby, sir. She's one of those
babies who, when she does get upset, can quickly get herself so worked up she can
hardly catch her breath. When it gets to that point we know from experience that she's simply unable to calm herself down - sorry, I'm not ignoring that. Nor do I want her to learn to associate sleep with crying until she can hardly breathe and being left all alone to fend for herself in that situation.
The same author also has some stellar advice for older children with sleep problems. I couldn't help but share these gems: he suggests
ignoring a child who tells you he wet the bed ("you can clean it up in
the morning"...tell me, sir, would you be ok with lying in a wet, cold
bed all night?), bangs his or her head against the wall to get attention
("there is little or no chance of it causing any lasting problems in
children with normal development"...so, you're ok with your child
intentionally injuring himself as long as it doesn't cause "lasting
problems"??) or holds his breath to the point of losing consciousness
(fainting "always ends the breath-holding and your child is back to
normal in a few seconds"...For real?!? I don't even have a response to that one!)!!!
(Surprisingly, this book was
not written in 1875 (1999!), and no I'm not going to tell you the name of it - I don't want
anyone to read it!!).
Obviously, there are some terrible sleep-advice books out there.
I couldn't get my hands on any actual sleep-training or cry-it-out books, but I've done enough reading online to understand the gist of these methods. Like I said in Part I, I'm not totally opposed to these techniques, and I know they can be very effective (very quickly) for some families. I'm just not completely convinced they're right
for us at this point and here's why:
1 -
It feels contradictory to what I do the other half of the day.
I definitely don't consider myself a full-fledged "attachment parent", but I do believe strongly in responsive parenting, meaning that when baby cries, the parent responds quickly. This builds trust, helps to create a healthy emotional bond between parent and child and fosters a sense of independence and security. From day one, this has been our approach to parenting our daughter. Now, of course, I understand that this begins to look a little different as she gets older and also as we've learned to interpret her different cries, but we still try to respond to her as quickly as possible, depending on the situation. So, it doesn't make much sense to me that when bedtime rolls around, I suddenly switch off this responsiveness. Even if
I'm able to do it, it seems unfair that I expect my baby to do the same and understand what's going on, when all along we've been teaching her to expect that someone comes when she cries.
2 -
Babies cry for a reason.
I have a
really hard time buying into the belief that my baby,
who can't yet walk or talk, can hardly feed herself, and doesn't know
how to wipe her own bum, is somehow capable of using her cries to
manipulate, as some sleep experts and child psychologists suggest. Sure,
maybe she'll get there eventually, but I just don't think she's
emotionally mature enough to do this at her age.
Since Tessa has already shown us that she is capable of sleeping through the night (as she did for those 8 weeks or so early on, and has done a handful of times since), I have to believe that when she wakes now, it's
for a reason. Through my reading, I had my eyes opened to the fact (and it seems completely obvious now) that babies don't
choose to wake in the night. Do you, as an adult, consciously choose to wake in the middle of a deep sleep just to annoy someone? No. It just
happens. We are incapable of making conscious choice while sleeping. So, my baby's night waking does
NOT make her "bad", "disobedient" or "manipulative", it just
happens.
Further, when she wakes, just like when you or I wake in the night, it is usually for some reason. We're too hot, too cold, have to
pee, are thirsty, heard a noise, and so on. At this stage in my child's
development, she's unable to take care of these issues on her own, so
she needs a little help from an adult, and that's perfectly normal and perfectly OK.
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| How do they sleep in these positions?? |
3 -
Maybe there's a bigger issue here than just sleep.
A big part of parenting is making sacrifices for the good of our children.
Maybe, for now, that includes sleep. Sure, I'd love to be one of those parents who are consistently getting a solid 8 hours, but maybe, for this season, that's just not how it's going to be, and maybe I just need to accept it, change my attitude, and learn to make the best of it.
Yes, of course I want to teach my daughter to have healthy sleep habits, and I do believe that will come with time. I'm reminded of my own mom, who, for a period of time, had to be in the room each night, kneeling by the bed, with her head on the pillow next to me or one of my siblings (she can't remember which child it was) until we fell asleep (thanks Mom!!). I also remember, as a young child, occasionally going to my parents' bedroom at night when I was scared and my mom making up a bed for me on the floor of their room, where I would spend the rest of the night. I think all three of us are now healthy, well-adjusted, emotionally stable adults with no lasting sleep issues (that I know of).
Maybe, just maybe, I've blown this whole thing way out of proportion and all that is required is a little time, a little patience, and a lot of grace, both for myself and my daughter. I'm not trying to downplay the importance of sleep - I recognize that sleep is crucial to my daughter's health and development and is just as important for her parents. However, Tessa is a healthy and very happy baby who is a great daytime napper and who is still (usually) logging a good 10-11 hours each night, even though they're sometimes interrupted. I think I've also adjusted and, for the most part, am functioning fairly well during the day, despite not having the long, luxurious sleeps I would love to be having!
So maybe, for now, I need to set aside my own comfort and convenience and expectations, and maybe even make some changes to my own routines (lately, we've been saying no to most evening activities to ensure she gets to bed on time; also, I could be going to bed earlier myself) so I can be available to my daughter when she needs me, no matter the time of day or night.
A friend and mother of four (who's also had her share of sleep difficulty) encouraged me to remember that this is only a season and
it will not last forever. She told me that ignoring the clock at night was one of the best things she ever did (she's even gone so far as to remove the clock from her bedroom). I think she's on to something...it's never helpful to look at the clock and count hours of sleep lost...it's a mind game that can really mess with you if you let it.
Another friend reminded me to not overlook the power of prayer...she is absolutely right and I'm ashamed to admit that I haven't been praying about this as much as I could be. I have a God who cares about every detail of my life, no matter how big or small. He is able to help Tessa sleep. He is also able to provide me with the all the energy and patience I need to make it through the long nights and the hard days.
So, for now, we'll continue to take it a day and a night at a time. Again, I'm reminded that this is a completely normal part of having a baby and that the vast majority of parents of infants and small children are having their own night time struggles too. We are not alone, and this is nothing new. Yes, at times being needed so constantly and so intensely is exhausting, but all too soon, these days and nights of being needed will come to an end, and who knows, maybe one day I'll even miss them.
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Update: I wrote this post last week, and since then, we've had several VERY rough nights, I've come down with a cold, and we've decided that WE NEED SLEEP and have reached "last resort" territory. So, that means we've decided to try a form of sleep training. I will update with what we're doing and our progress (and hopefully there will be some!) later this week.
