Back to Square One...

Well, maybe not quite square one, but there have been moments over the past weeks that sure feel like it. About 2 months ago, I wrote about our struggles at night (read part 1, 2 & 3) and at that time we had decided to try some sleep training. It seemed to have worked because for the past 8 weeks or so, Tessa was consistently sleeping glorious 9-10 hour stretches. It was heavenly.

You'll notice I said was.

Over the last two weeks, things have been so up and down and completely unpredictable. Take this weekend, for example. Friday night was good, Saturday night was bad, and Sunday night was great. I think maybe I could handle the nights much better if there was at least some predictability to them. This feels like the newborn days all over again.

I guess I shouldn't really be surprised. She just got over the worst illness she's ever had and she's working on at least one new tooth. I was also recently introduced to the concept of "Wonder Weeks" by two fellow mommy bloggers (check out Hannah's post to learn more) and have discovered that she's very likely right smack dab in the middle of a major developmental leap.

So, I guess you could call this a "sleep regression", or maybe you could just call it "normal infant sleep".

And what have I learned through this latest challenge?

First of all, it's NORMAL. When things started to derail, sleepwise, the question my husband and I were constantly asking each other was "what's wrong?". I soon decided that the answer to that question is NOTHING. Nothing is wrong with either my baby or us as parents. My daughter (like all babies) is undergoing massive amounts of physical, mental, and emotional development through this first year of her life. Sometimes it seems like she just gets a skill mastered when she hits another milestone and has to work her way through the learning involved in perfecting yet another skill. In addition to the stress of all these huge cognitive leaps, she also has to deal with physical development like teething and growth spurts. She hardly gets a break. It shouldn't really come as a surprise when she has fussy, clingy moments and a few rough nights when she's in the middle of these rather large changes.

Second, all is NOT lost. I may have exaggerated when I titled this post. Ok, I definitely exaggerated when I titled this post. We are not back at square one, thankfully. But it's easy to begin to think this way when you're so frustrated and sleep deprived. Babies are hard work, and when you've put in the work and you finally begin to see progress only to have it come to a screeching halt at 1am and 2:30am and 4am, it's easy (for me, anyway) to feel defeated and hopeless. It's so important, though, to keep things in perspective. To remember that these are just minor bumps on the road that will eventually smooth themselves out.

Finally, my daughter's sleep (or lack thereof) is not necessarily a reflection of my ability as a mother. On one of the most recent really bad nights, as I got out of bed for the 100th 4th time, I actually said out loud to my husband, "I suck at this". As in, the reason my daughter is awake again is because I'm a terrible mom. Um, no. Not true (I realize that now, but exhaustion can make you think, say, and do some crazy stuff!). I love my daughter more than anything, and I know that I'm doing the very best that I can. I've read that sleeping through the night is a developmental milestone like any other that babies reach when they're ready. Sure, I'll give her all the help I can to get her there as soon as possible (for her sake as well as mine), but maybe what she needs most is unconditional love, grace, understanding, and a whole lot of patience from her parents when she's having a rough time. If that means I need to rock her or nurse her, so be it. I refuse to blame myself, put myself down, or feel guilty for comforting, loving, and feeding my daughter and doing what I need to do to get us through a night.

Why go around when you can go under?

This girl is really starting to love her books! Makes her mom & dad happy!

 

Have you gone through a "sleep regression" with your little ones? How did you deal with it?

There Is Hope...

     Well, we've survived 5 nights. Tessa is handling "sleep training" much better than I had anticipated and we're seeing a bit of progress. There is hope!!

     We decided to revamp our bedtime routine a little and it's working very well. We've never had much trouble with the initial going down for the night - generally speaking, she goes down well, although since she was a newborn she's always been nursed to sleep or to nearly asleep. I know that many of the books will say that this is the source of our night waking troubles - she's come to associate nursing with falling asleep, so when she wakes in the night, she expects or thinks she needs to be nursed back to sleep.

     So now our pre-bedtime routine starts at about 6:30pm with nursing, followed by a bath (and on non-bath nights, just a sponge bath), nighttime diaper and lotion, pajamas, then stories in the rocking chair. At about 7pm, we put her down fully awake or drowsy with her pacifier (that's another battle for another time!!) and her little stuffed Winnie the Pooh. The first night she protested, but only for about 10-15 minutes. Last night she literally cried for about 10 seconds then went right to sleep. I'm so thankful we have such an easygoing, adaptable little girl, who seems to be able to handle change so well.

     As far as the night waking goes, it's still happening, but I would say it's improving. The first night was, well, awful. We pretty much went cold turkey with the night weaning (although she has gone whole nights without feeding before, so it wasn't the first time). I'm not sure if that was the best approach, but it's what we decided to do, so for the sake of consistency, we're sticking with it for a little while to see what happens. That first night she woke around 11pm and was awake and crying until almost 1am. Cam and I took turns going in to comfort and soothe her while she cried. It was awful. At one point we were both standing outside her bedroom door and I looked at Cam and said "this is stupid!". However, each night since that first night has been a little better than the last. She still wakes up several times, with most of her wakings happening from 3am on but she either goes back to sleep on her own within a few minutes, or I'll go in to her room, give her her soother and rub her back for a minute or two and she might fuss a bit, but falls asleep fairly quickly.

     Here's hoping we continue to see improvements and eventually get her to those long 12 hour sleeps some of you are lucky enough to be having...although, at this point, I'd be totally fine with just one waking! After what I've been through the last few months, waking only once in the night sounds just peachy!

Daddy makes the best pillow...

     Since we're on the topic of sleep, I got to thinking about why this has become such an important issue for me. Obviously, the number one reason is because I'm TIRED!! Going from long, uninterrupted sleeps to waking several times through the night (for months on end) can be a shock to the system. However, in my case, I found that once I adapted to my new normal, I felt fine (for the most part) and was managing fairly well on less sleep than I would have liked.

     That is, until someone asked me the dreaded question: "Is she sleeping through the night yet?"

     Now, I know that people are just trying to be friendly and polite and make conversation, and maybe even offer some empathy if they've been there themselves. But to me (and maybe this is just me), this question only adds more pressure, guilt, and worry to the heaps of (self-induced) pressure, guilt, and worry I've already got. Here I am, thinking everything's going fine...I'm used to the sleep deprivation...I've accepted that it's normal and have convinced myself that we'll get through it. Then some well-meaning person asks me the dreaded question and I begin to doubt myself: "Should my baby be sleeping through the night?" "Why isn't she?" "Is everyone else's baby sleeping through the night?" "What's wrong with us?" And the worry builds and the mom-guilt grows....

     So, I've decided to make it a point to NOT ask moms if their babies are sleeping through the night. I'm so tired of the question myself, and I have a feeling I'm not the only one. I figure if a mom wants to talk about her baby's sleep, she can bring it up, and I'll gladly listen and offer whatever support I can, but I won't start the conversation. I think it's a topic that is already a major source of stress and worry for a lot of moms, and I sure don't want to be responsible for adding any more to another mom's already heavy load. I don't know...maybe this is just a silly idea coming from a sleep deprived mom....

     What do you think? How do you feel about the question?

{The Real} Vacation Recap

     I posted our vacation highlights the other day. I could leave it at that and let everyone think we had the perfect little holiday with our perfect little family in a beautiful place where we saw lots of nice stuff and took a bunch of pretty pictures, but that wouldn't be completely honest. And if there's anything I want this blog to be, it's honest and real. Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram all allow us to only share the best little snippets of our lives and let everyone think that everything's great all the time, but I don't want this blog to turn into that. So, having said that, here's "the real" vacation recap.

     
     Our flight departed at 7:55am. I should have known when I booked it that a flight that early in the day was a recipe for disaster, and while it wasn't actually a disaster, it did get our trip off to a rocky start. By the time we got to the airport, parked, shuttled to the terminal, checked in, got me a coffee, argued a bit, and got through security, we were being paged to our gate because our flight had already boarded. Yep, we were those people...the ones who come huffing and puffing onto the plane last...the ones the flight attendants have apologized to the rest of the passengers for. We sat down, buckled up, got a quick run-through of the instructions for flying with a baby and literally minutes later we were taking off. In a way, this worked out well, because we didn't have to sit through pre-boarding and regular boarding while trying to keep Tessa entertained, but it made for a very stressful start to our trip and set the tone for the next couple of days.

Awkward family photo? I set the timer and didn't quite get into position in time! I thought it suited this post.

     Once we arrived, we weren't able to check in to our hotel right away (which is the only thing we really wanted to do because we all needed naps!) so we were forced to kill some time. We wandered through downtown and a park, and tried to enjoy being in this beautiful place, but there was a thick tension in the air between me and my husband. I was frustrated by what I felt was poor communication during our trip and he wasn't sure what he had done wrong and was feeling like he was walking on eggshells. We finally found a quiet park bench out of the way, sat down and tried to smooth things over. We realized that we were both being overly sensitive, largely due to our exhaustion and the stress of traveling with our daughter for the first time and we were taking that out on each other (or at least I was taking mine out on him).

     The next day wasn't a whole lot better. Tessa had had a rough first night in the hotel (which means everyone had a rough first night) and getting her down for her morning nap was an hour-long struggle with her wailing the whole time and us switching off trying to settle her. I even cried along with her for a bit because I was so tired and frustrated and had no idea what else to do for her. Cam was finally able to get her to sleep and we sat down, looked at each other and asked each other why we had even bothered coming. The whole trip was starting to feel like it had been a bad idea.

Everyone was very tired and grumpy the first few days...

   
     The worst moment came a day later. We were driving back to the hotel after a morning of sightseeing and were planning to take a bit of a break before meeting up with friends for the afternoon. I made some snarky, unnecessary comment, which led to another argument. We parked the car in the hotel parkade and just sat there in silence. There we were, in a beautiful place, during what should have been a relaxing, fun, memorable first family holiday, and we were miserable and mad at each other. One of us finally said something like "this sucks" or "this isn't working". I looked at Cam and asked "what do we do?" My wise, patient husband said the one word that we I had been forgetting..."We need to have a little grace".
   
     He was absolutely right. Grace was needed, and badly. Grace for each other during stressful, exhausting, frustrating moments. Grace for our daughter when she struggled to sleep in a new place, a different time zone, and through teething. And grace for ourselves when we mess it all up. We both apologized and committed to being more patient and grace-full with one another, and the rest of the trip was much better. I'm sorry that the first half of our trip was mostly unpleasant, but I'm thankful that we were able to salvage the last few days and that even in the midst of those rough first days, there were still some great moments.

     I came across this wheelbarrow of tools while wandering through Butchart Gardens. I wasn't intending on it turning into a life lesson when I took the picture, I just thought it was interesting. There it sat, right in the middle of a gorgeous place, full of its dirty tools and dead flowers and weeds. And the entire time we were at the gardens, we saw workers weeding, watering and pruning. It reminded me that beautiful things don't just magically happen - they take a lot of work. And even though the gardens look beautiful and complete, they're always a work in progress - the ugliness needs to be removed to make the beauty even more beautiful. Kind of like me.

Baby Signing

     Way back before I decided that I wanted to be a nurse, I seriously considered a career in sign language interpreting. My first experience with American Sign Language (ASL) goes way back to junior high, when a teacher at my school started a lunch hour ASL club, where she taught us basic sign language. I was hooked right away. I bought myself an ASL dictionary and taught myself more signs, but never really got to use them since I didn't know any Deaf people.

     Fast forward several years - I was out of high school, taking a year off to work and figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I was still interested in possibly pursuing a career in interpreting, so I found an evening ASL class and joined. This was a much more serious class and was my first time being "immersed" in ASL - the teachers were all Deaf - ASL or writing on the board was their only way to communicate. I learned quickly and my love for the language grew. I took ASL classes for 2 years and got to know several members of the Deaf community outside of class, so had plenty of opportunity to practice. Unfortunately, life circumstances changed and I could no longer continue those classes. Sadly, my connections to the Deaf community also ended when I moved to a new city and it's now been a few years since I've had any real practice.

     However, having a baby has renewed my interest and passion for ASL. This time, I'm the teacher! I know a lot of parents use ASL or some form of signing with their babies, and find it to be a very effective method of communicating with their little ones before they're capable of speech. It was a no-brainer for me to hop on board the baby signing bandwagon. I already knew all the signs I would need to teach Tessa early on and still have my books handy for when she gets a little more advanced. I can't wait until her little hands start talking!!

If you're interested in teaching your baby some basic signs, I recommend the following resources to get you started:

• Baby Signs: How to Talk with Your Baby Before Your Baby Can Talk (Linda Acredolo, Susan Goodwyn, Doug Abrams)
• Signing Time DVD series (or check out their YouTube videos)
• A baby sign language class
• An ASL dictionary (if you want to learn more!) (There are also lots of free online ASL dictionaries)

A few tips:

• Start anytime - I started signing with Tessa almost right away, but a lot of people wait until around 4-6 months to start
• Don't get discouraged if baby isn't signing back - babies need lots of repetition to learn, and most babies won't start signing back until 9-12 months, although some start earlier.
• Be consistent - use the signs over and over, and say the word as you sign it.
• Signing does NOT delay speech - in fact, some research shows the opposite (see here)

Basic signs to start with:

• Eat
• Milk
• Sleep
• Mom
• Dad
• Finished/All done
• Anything else that will be helpful to you and your baby

    
     Have you taught your baby sign language? What was your experience like? Any other tips or tricks? Please share in the comments below and happy signing!

Learning to Relax

     Tessa and I spent the past week at Cypress Hills Camp in beautiful Cypress Hills, Saskatchewan, where I was camp nurse for the week. I was a camper there almost every summer when I was a kid, spent one summer as a counselor there, and this was my second year volunteering as camp nurse. There's just something about summer camp that I love and can't get enough of, so it's great to be able to still be involved in some way. I can't wait until Tessa's old enough to be a camper - hopefully she won't be like her mom and be one of the homesick kids! (Even though I got so homesick at camp, I still loved it and have very fond memories of my many summers at camp!)

     The week was challenging for me, though. Having a 6-month old to care for while being busy bandaging scraped knees and consoling homesick campers makes for a bit of a crazy week! Tessa did so great - we only had one major meltdown the whole week. I was so proud of her, and so extremely thankful that my parents and sister were also there (my mom was a cook, my sister was teaching crafts and my dad was there helping out too) to take Tessa when I needed to be with a camper. I truly could not have done it without them.

     I learned a few things through the week at camp, but I think the most valuable lesson for me was learning to RELAX! Not relax in the sense of taking it easy and putting my feet up (although I did get to do a bit of that too!), but more in learning to let go of every little detail and my perfect ideas of how things will be done with Tessa.

     I've never really thought of myself as a controlling person, but I think since becoming a mom, that side of me has risen to the surface more than ever before. I think almost all new moms (and maybe not just new moms) worry about doing everything "right" or by the book. We're so afraid of making one little mistake that we think is going to ruin our child for life. I know I have many of these moments.

     That's why this week at camp was so good for me. I can't count the number of times a soother or a toy fell on the dusty, dirty floor and someone (myself included) picked it up, brushed it off, and gave it back to Tessa. It's just not practical or possible to run across camp to the nearest sink to rinse it off!

      At the beginning of the week, I inwardly cringed when a camper got too close to her (have you seen how dirty 9-year-olds at camp can get? And who knows what kind of germs they have?!?). By the end of the week, it hardly bothered me, and I even let one little girl hold Tessa (she had been begging me all week!).

     At home, I don't like to feed Tessa to sleep (we try to follow the Eat, Play, Sleep routine as much as we can). At camp, there were several times when I just needed her to go down because I needed to be somewhere else, and I knew that nursing her would be the quickest and easiest way to get there, so guess what? I nursed her to sleep and the world didn't end.

     We've now been home for 3 days and she's pretty much back to her normal routine like nothing ever happened. I don't think I've ruined her at all, in fact, I've seen how adaptable, easygoing, and resilient she really is. I have no trouble picking up her soother from my clean-ish floors and giving it back to her. She didn't come down with any terrible diseases from all the kid germs she was exposed to. And she got right back on track with her regular routine without a problem. I'm not saying that I want to make a habit of putting filthy things in her mouth or that I think we should abandon the routine of our days, but my week at camp showed me that we can be flexible when we need to be, that we can do things a little differently if the situation calls for it and we'll still be fine.

     It's when I'm worrying about little things like dirt and germs and changes to routine that I stop loving motherhood and I feel fear start to creep in. My week at camp will always be a reminder to me to let go of that fear and worry that I'm doing it all wrong and instead to take a deep breath, relax and enjoy this precious time with my daughter, dirt and all.

Attitude Adjustments

So much changes when a baby joins a family, but I think some of the biggest changes of all have been in me (which I am most grateful for!).

1 - Patience

     I've never been a very patient person. Not so much in the sense that I hate waiting for things, but more that I get impatient and quickly annoyed with people when they do things that irritate me. I think this is one of my biggest character flaws and one that I know I need to work on.
     Having a baby has definitely forced me to be more patient (and hopefully not only with her, but with others too). When she is having a hard time going to sleep or is crying for some unknown reason, I don't very often find myself getting frustrated with her, which has come as a surprise to me. For some reason (maybe it's just because I'm her mom) I find it easy to be patient with her (I'm guessing this might change once we hit toddlerhood...haha), whether it's helping her get to sleep, holding her and rocking her while she cries, or putting up with her endless squealing as she learns how to use her voice. I truly hope that this more patient attitude will transfer over to my other relationships as well.

2 - Babies aren't convenient

     We live in a world that is obsessed with convenience and ease, and it can be a bit of a rude awakening when we realize that babies have their own schedules that sometimes require us to adjust our own plans. For the most part, we've been blessed with an extremely easygoing baby. It also helps that we're both the kind of people who prefer to be at home rather than out, but when we do go out, we quickly learned that a simple outing now requires a bit more planning than it used to. Not only do you have to remember to bring more stuff (diapers, wipes, soother, extra change of clothes, etc), but often the timing of outings has to be coordinated around feeding and nap times. This has definitely improved as our baby has gotten older and as we've become better adjusted to life as parents of a baby, but in those early days, it was often just easier to stay home, which sometimes meant giving up things we wanted to do.
     We also now need to consider someone else's needs before our own when making plans and sometimes that means plans get put on hold or abandoned altogether. I was out doing some errands when Tessa was about 3 or 4 weeks old. I had already been to the grocery store and she was doing great so I decided to make a quick stop at Costco. We were in the store and I already had a few things in my cart when she woke up and decided she was DONE with shopping NOW. She didn't even give me any warning, just went straight from sleeping peacefully to screaming bloody murder. I did what any other brand new 3-week-old mom would do in the middle of Costco with a screaming, inconsolable baby - I panicked. I left my cart right where it was, took my baby and got out of that store as fast as I could. I felt terrible that I had tried to cram one more thing in, because I was already on that end of town and it was convenient for me, not giving much thought to how much my newborn baby could take. Of course, I don't mean to imply that life stops when a baby comes along, but it does take on a whole new dimension - one that is hopefully much less self-centered.
    

3 - I GET to do this - not I HAVE to.

     I have heard about and personally know people who have lost babies, either to miscarriage, stillbirth, or illness. I also know people who have struggled with getting pregnant and being uncertain if they would even be able to have a biological child of their own. I don't pretend to know what these parents have been through, but I have a sneaking suspicion that anyone who has lost a child or is struggling to have a child would give anything to have a sleepless night with a baby of their own.
     In my early weeks as a mom, I read a fabulous book that pointed out that there are no guarantees in life. There is no guarantee that we will have more children, and for that matter, there is also no guarantee that we will have tomorrow or next week with Tessa. This was a wake-up call for me when I read it, and helped to shift my mindset from "I have to..." to "I get to..." Instead of being irritated when I had to get up at 3am, I now found myself feeling grateful that I had the opportunity to do so. I began cherishing those middle-of-the-night feedings, and even though I still don't enjoy being tired, I count it a blessing that I GET to be tired because I am fortunate enough to have a precious baby to care for.


     These are just three examples of some of the major changes that have taken place in my heart since Tessa joined our family. We've both done a lot of growing these past 6 months. I am so grateful to God for the gift that she is and for His refining work in my life through her in this new season. I pray that He will continue to use her to shape me into something beautiful in His sight.

 

6 Months In...

Wow. I can't believe that I've been a mom for half a year. I know I've already written a lot about how fast time is going, but I feel like it really can't be said enough. It's strange, though. In some ways it feels like I've been doing this forever, and at the same time, I'm certain Tessa was just born yesterday.

Challenging, exciting, humbling, exhausting, wonderful, nerve-wracking, perfect. Those are a few of the words that come to mind when I think back over the last 6 months. But the word I would choose to sum it all up is amazing.

• I'm amazed that after a long, seemingly sleepless night, I can still get up and somehow have enough energy to make it through the day.

• I'm amazed that my body has been able to nourish and sustain another human life, first through pregnancy and now breastfeeding.

• I'm amazed at how much Tessa has grown and changed in 6 short months, and how tightly she has already woven herself into our family.

• I'm amazed watching her through all the changes and milestones, watching her grow up and getting to see a little personality emerge.

• I'm amazed when she wraps her chubby little arms around my neck and gives me her sweet toothless smile.

• I'm amazed when I watch her daddy love his little girl and when her face lights up when she sees him.

• I'm amazed that God has entrusted us with this precious life and by all the love and support that has surrounded us these last 6 months.
  

There have been so many amazing moments in these last 6 months. I've learned so much about myself and about being a mom (Tessa isn't the only one who has been growing around here), but I know I've only just begun to scratch the surface of all that it means to be a parent. Thankfully, we've got another 18 or so years (and then some) to keep working at it.

I Dropped My Baby...

Yes, it's true, I dropped my baby. In the public health nurse’s office. Moments after her 4 month immunizations (poor girl!!). It was the ultimate “I’m a horrible mom!!” moment for me. Tessa didn’t fall far (only a few inches) and is completely fine, all she got was a small scratch on her arm and a good scare. It could have been much, much worse.

I spent the rest of the day replaying the scene and feeling worse and worse about myself each time. I eventually had to tell myself to stop thinking about it altogether, or if I was going to think about it, to look for positives and lessons learned. So, here’s what I got:

      1 - Worry only makes it worse. Like I said, for the rest of the day I replayed the incident over and over in my head, and each time my mind made it worse than it actually was – she fell further, went unconscious, started bleeding everywhere, etc, etc. Reliving an incident doesn’t undo it and doesn’t change the outcome, so why waste all that time and brain power thinking and worrying about what was or what could have been? Let it go!

      2 - I’m NOT a bad mom. One mishap does not forever ruin one’s career as a mother. There are many other things I’m doing well (or at least well enough). I know it’s hard to forget moments like these because they’re so shocking and out of the ordinary. But instead of constantly reliving one awful thing that happened, why not spend my time thinking about all the hugs and kisses, the cuddles and smiles, those wonderful moments when I’m rocking her and she falls asleep in my arms? Those are the moments I want to dwell on and have etched into my memory forever. Tessa is fine and won’t even remember that this happened. She’s forgiven and forgotten, so to speak, so I need to do the same.

      3 – We’re way harder on ourselves than anyone else is. I told another mom friend about this incident, and her response was full of grace. She basically told me that it could have happened to anyone, don’t worry about it, babies are far more resilient than we think, etc etc. I started thinking about what my response to another mom would have been if the tables were turned. I’m pretty sure I would have responded in much the same way – “don’t worry about it”, “you’re a great mom”, “these things happen”. Why is it so easy for me to let someone else off the hook but not myself? Why can’t I extend the same grace to myself that is so quickly given to me and that (I hope) I would give to others? Let’s give ourselves permission to mess up and not beat ourselves up about it forever.
(I was working on writing this when I received this post in my inbox from another blog I follow. Very similar theme and worth looking at if you're a mom who ever struggles with "mommy guilt" - and don't we all?? )

      4 - I’m sure nobody looks at me and thinks I have it all together, but just in case they do, here’s proof that I don’t – I dropped my baby! It’s human nature to compare ourselves to others, and women are especially bad for this. There’s no way I’m the first person on earth to have dropped her baby, and it’s quite likely that someone who I consider to be a great mom has also dropped hers (or done something similar). There never has been and never will be a perfect parent. There are, however, great parents who occasionally make mistakes. I'll always fall short if I'm comparing myself to some impossible, unrealistic standard that doesn't even exist. If we must compare ourselves at all, let's at least remember that we're comparing ourselves to ordinary, imperfect people who have bad days and mess up too.

Two days after her shots and her fall...as happy as ever!

 We are so thankful for our happy, healthy, beautiful, and tough little girl. And this mama is thankful for grace for each new day.