Learning to Relax

     Tessa and I spent the past week at Cypress Hills Camp in beautiful Cypress Hills, Saskatchewan, where I was camp nurse for the week. I was a camper there almost every summer when I was a kid, spent one summer as a counselor there, and this was my second year volunteering as camp nurse. There's just something about summer camp that I love and can't get enough of, so it's great to be able to still be involved in some way. I can't wait until Tessa's old enough to be a camper - hopefully she won't be like her mom and be one of the homesick kids! (Even though I got so homesick at camp, I still loved it and have very fond memories of my many summers at camp!)

     The week was challenging for me, though. Having a 6-month old to care for while being busy bandaging scraped knees and consoling homesick campers makes for a bit of a crazy week! Tessa did so great - we only had one major meltdown the whole week. I was so proud of her, and so extremely thankful that my parents and sister were also there (my mom was a cook, my sister was teaching crafts and my dad was there helping out too) to take Tessa when I needed to be with a camper. I truly could not have done it without them.

     I learned a few things through the week at camp, but I think the most valuable lesson for me was learning to RELAX! Not relax in the sense of taking it easy and putting my feet up (although I did get to do a bit of that too!), but more in learning to let go of every little detail and my perfect ideas of how things will be done with Tessa.

     I've never really thought of myself as a controlling person, but I think since becoming a mom, that side of me has risen to the surface more than ever before. I think almost all new moms (and maybe not just new moms) worry about doing everything "right" or by the book. We're so afraid of making one little mistake that we think is going to ruin our child for life. I know I have many of these moments.

     That's why this week at camp was so good for me. I can't count the number of times a soother or a toy fell on the dusty, dirty floor and someone (myself included) picked it up, brushed it off, and gave it back to Tessa. It's just not practical or possible to run across camp to the nearest sink to rinse it off!

      At the beginning of the week, I inwardly cringed when a camper got too close to her (have you seen how dirty 9-year-olds at camp can get? And who knows what kind of germs they have?!?). By the end of the week, it hardly bothered me, and I even let one little girl hold Tessa (she had been begging me all week!).

     At home, I don't like to feed Tessa to sleep (we try to follow the Eat, Play, Sleep routine as much as we can). At camp, there were several times when I just needed her to go down because I needed to be somewhere else, and I knew that nursing her would be the quickest and easiest way to get there, so guess what? I nursed her to sleep and the world didn't end.

     We've now been home for 3 days and she's pretty much back to her normal routine like nothing ever happened. I don't think I've ruined her at all, in fact, I've seen how adaptable, easygoing, and resilient she really is. I have no trouble picking up her soother from my clean-ish floors and giving it back to her. She didn't come down with any terrible diseases from all the kid germs she was exposed to. And she got right back on track with her regular routine without a problem. I'm not saying that I want to make a habit of putting filthy things in her mouth or that I think we should abandon the routine of our days, but my week at camp showed me that we can be flexible when we need to be, that we can do things a little differently if the situation calls for it and we'll still be fine.

     It's when I'm worrying about little things like dirt and germs and changes to routine that I stop loving motherhood and I feel fear start to creep in. My week at camp will always be a reminder to me to let go of that fear and worry that I'm doing it all wrong and instead to take a deep breath, relax and enjoy this precious time with my daughter, dirt and all.

Attitude Adjustments

So much changes when a baby joins a family, but I think some of the biggest changes of all have been in me (which I am most grateful for!).

1 - Patience

     I've never been a very patient person. Not so much in the sense that I hate waiting for things, but more that I get impatient and quickly annoyed with people when they do things that irritate me. I think this is one of my biggest character flaws and one that I know I need to work on.
     Having a baby has definitely forced me to be more patient (and hopefully not only with her, but with others too). When she is having a hard time going to sleep or is crying for some unknown reason, I don't very often find myself getting frustrated with her, which has come as a surprise to me. For some reason (maybe it's just because I'm her mom) I find it easy to be patient with her (I'm guessing this might change once we hit toddlerhood...haha), whether it's helping her get to sleep, holding her and rocking her while she cries, or putting up with her endless squealing as she learns how to use her voice. I truly hope that this more patient attitude will transfer over to my other relationships as well.

2 - Babies aren't convenient

     We live in a world that is obsessed with convenience and ease, and it can be a bit of a rude awakening when we realize that babies have their own schedules that sometimes require us to adjust our own plans. For the most part, we've been blessed with an extremely easygoing baby. It also helps that we're both the kind of people who prefer to be at home rather than out, but when we do go out, we quickly learned that a simple outing now requires a bit more planning than it used to. Not only do you have to remember to bring more stuff (diapers, wipes, soother, extra change of clothes, etc), but often the timing of outings has to be coordinated around feeding and nap times. This has definitely improved as our baby has gotten older and as we've become better adjusted to life as parents of a baby, but in those early days, it was often just easier to stay home, which sometimes meant giving up things we wanted to do.
     We also now need to consider someone else's needs before our own when making plans and sometimes that means plans get put on hold or abandoned altogether. I was out doing some errands when Tessa was about 3 or 4 weeks old. I had already been to the grocery store and she was doing great so I decided to make a quick stop at Costco. We were in the store and I already had a few things in my cart when she woke up and decided she was DONE with shopping NOW. She didn't even give me any warning, just went straight from sleeping peacefully to screaming bloody murder. I did what any other brand new 3-week-old mom would do in the middle of Costco with a screaming, inconsolable baby - I panicked. I left my cart right where it was, took my baby and got out of that store as fast as I could. I felt terrible that I had tried to cram one more thing in, because I was already on that end of town and it was convenient for me, not giving much thought to how much my newborn baby could take. Of course, I don't mean to imply that life stops when a baby comes along, but it does take on a whole new dimension - one that is hopefully much less self-centered.
    

3 - I GET to do this - not I HAVE to.

     I have heard about and personally know people who have lost babies, either to miscarriage, stillbirth, or illness. I also know people who have struggled with getting pregnant and being uncertain if they would even be able to have a biological child of their own. I don't pretend to know what these parents have been through, but I have a sneaking suspicion that anyone who has lost a child or is struggling to have a child would give anything to have a sleepless night with a baby of their own.
     In my early weeks as a mom, I read a fabulous book that pointed out that there are no guarantees in life. There is no guarantee that we will have more children, and for that matter, there is also no guarantee that we will have tomorrow or next week with Tessa. This was a wake-up call for me when I read it, and helped to shift my mindset from "I have to..." to "I get to..." Instead of being irritated when I had to get up at 3am, I now found myself feeling grateful that I had the opportunity to do so. I began cherishing those middle-of-the-night feedings, and even though I still don't enjoy being tired, I count it a blessing that I GET to be tired because I am fortunate enough to have a precious baby to care for.


     These are just three examples of some of the major changes that have taken place in my heart since Tessa joined our family. We've both done a lot of growing these past 6 months. I am so grateful to God for the gift that she is and for His refining work in my life through her in this new season. I pray that He will continue to use her to shape me into something beautiful in His sight.

 

6 Months In...

Wow. I can't believe that I've been a mom for half a year. I know I've already written a lot about how fast time is going, but I feel like it really can't be said enough. It's strange, though. In some ways it feels like I've been doing this forever, and at the same time, I'm certain Tessa was just born yesterday.

Challenging, exciting, humbling, exhausting, wonderful, nerve-wracking, perfect. Those are a few of the words that come to mind when I think back over the last 6 months. But the word I would choose to sum it all up is amazing.

• I'm amazed that after a long, seemingly sleepless night, I can still get up and somehow have enough energy to make it through the day.

• I'm amazed that my body has been able to nourish and sustain another human life, first through pregnancy and now breastfeeding.

• I'm amazed at how much Tessa has grown and changed in 6 short months, and how tightly she has already woven herself into our family.

• I'm amazed watching her through all the changes and milestones, watching her grow up and getting to see a little personality emerge.

• I'm amazed when she wraps her chubby little arms around my neck and gives me her sweet toothless smile.

• I'm amazed when I watch her daddy love his little girl and when her face lights up when she sees him.

• I'm amazed that God has entrusted us with this precious life and by all the love and support that has surrounded us these last 6 months.
  

There have been so many amazing moments in these last 6 months. I've learned so much about myself and about being a mom (Tessa isn't the only one who has been growing around here), but I know I've only just begun to scratch the surface of all that it means to be a parent. Thankfully, we've got another 18 or so years (and then some) to keep working at it.